Bound
by Pedant's Antic
Summary: During "Dead Things" and written in Technicolor POV. Buffy talks to Tara


Bound (Alternative title, "Only the Truth Can Set You Free")  
  
Disclaimer: Do not own Buffy or any of the characters of BTVS. Am simply toying with their fates and messing with their lives as only a bored person can… (Idle hands… well, you know the rest.) Took some dialogue from "Dead Things" and just regurgitated it as best as I can….  
  
Summary: Another angst fest written in Technicolor POV. Set when Buffy has her talk with Tara in "Dead Things"…   
  
Author's note: I had written my first smut fest concerning handcuffs and B/S and it had the same title. However, I watched "Dead Things" and I'm not too sure if I want to put up another piece about BDSM. What intrigues me more than the "Spike-in-handcuffs" thing is the emotional heart of it, how even the super-powered Slayer had to give up her whole ice queen thing and crack. That episode is definitely one of the best of the season, if not THE best. It had everything I could ever wish for: Spike, sex, their relationship and the line "and then time went all David Lynch"- a reference to Mulholland Drive which is one of my favorite movies ever. It was so well written that I decided to write another piece upon watching it.  
  
*********  
You always hurt the ones you love.  
  
If ever there was a statement that was a double-edged sword that pierce through any emotional barrier I tried to erect, that was it.  
  
I hurt Dawn. So much. We never get to spend anymore time together. She tries to hide the feeling of being unwanted or in the way, but I can see it when I talk to her… The way she hides her eyes from me…. She handles the rejection well.  
  
I hurt my mom. I could see it whenever I got into trouble, or everything that I had put her through as the Slayer. I ruined any chance for a normal life for her and Dawn, any semblance of comfort that they could derive from living on the Hellmouth.  
  
Riley…. He left because he couldn't take it. I couldn't open up to him and he just went away knowing that he deserved a lot better than that. Good for him I think. It's just what any self respecting person would do.   
  
Angel… I killed him. Kissed him and drove a sword through his heart. I couldn't have done that if I didn't love him.  
  
Giles, who I exasperated the living daylights out of, just by being my headstrong stubborn self.   
  
And Spike.   
  
"You always hurt the ones you love", he said to me, as I was pummeling his face. Ohmigod, his face…. It was so swollen.. with all that blood on his lip.  
  
It's true, though.   
  
I do hurt the ones I love. And I was hurting him. So much.  
  
What can I say, baby. Love is pain. Love his pain…  
  
God, his face. The way he was looking at me, not even making an attempt to fight back… Just letting me get it all out and I hurt him but he didn't care… It just breaks my heart. He took all that for me. And all this time I've just been using him and walking off coldly, just being a regular bitch. It's wrong. Nobody deserves that.  
  
"Do you love him?"  
  
I look back at Tara and I snap out of my little daze. I can't really answer that. Logically, it works this way: I only hurt the ones I love, Tara. So you see, I was hurting him a lot. Whaling on him physically, but really nothing worse than the emotional shit that I've been putting him through. By the way I was pounding his face and trampling on that undead heart we can deduce that I do love him. *BEEP* Wrong answer. You do not win the million dollars.   
  
So if it's true that I don't love him, why does what I did hurt me so much? Ah, a dilemma.  
  
"It's ok to love him, you know. He's done a lot of good and he loves you."  
  
I look at her, not really expecting that. No, Tara. You cannot condone this. This is wrong, Tara, can't you see?  
  
I look back at her. I'm quiet.  
  
"And if you don't love him, that's ok too."  
  
No, God Tara, no that's not ok. Don't let me get away with murder too. That's wrong.  
  
"No, Tara. I can't keep using him. It's wrong and I know that…" Suddenly, I'm crying and the tears are just pouring down. Once the waterworks start, they just can't stop. She's looking at me, very soft and concerned and the next thing I know I'm babbling.  
  
"Tara, this is wrong. Please don't forgive me…" And I'm on her knee, crying for myself, for Spike, for everything that I've ever touched that's turned to shit and how I just can't help but seem to cause pain everywhere I go. I cry about my guilt for what I did, even if I tell myself that he's just an evil bloodsucking fiend it doesn't stop the tears. I cry for Dawn and mom and all my friends who just won't understand and how hurt they'll be when they find out. I cry for how things just don't get any easier and how I wish it was all so simple instead of everything having hard edges and hurting so much. But mostly I just cry because it feels so good to just let it all out.  
  
And I can breathe again. 


End file.
